Saltwater Acorns

I hate admitting to when I've fucked up. You've probably experienced something like this from me, such as not hearing from me for a day or two, waiting for a response. It is probably because I'm avoiding a situation which induces guilty feelings. My procrastination is all fear-based. A lot of people think it's lazy-based, most likely. Part of it is my crappy judgement of time, but I don't doubt some of that has to do with avoiding the start of a project I'm not 100% confident in starting. Fear tends to stop me in my tracks more often then I'd like to admit.... remember how I only applied to one school and it was no where near my first choice? Fear of rejection. Fear paralyzes.

I used to spend a TON of time feeling plain crappy about this. I would put my self down often (I still do), thinking that there's something terribly wrong with me. No one likes to repeatedly make their life harder? I certainly don't! Realizing the root of what causes me to act in certain ways is helpful. It's taken lot's of time, years of high school, community college and university to sort out how I work, why I do what I do, and ease myself into something that doesn't feel as much of a struggle. Learning to trust my instincts helps. I've spent a lot of time checking in with the world before making a choice about something. I'm trying to trust myself more.

I insist on being easier on yourself. If you have something you're working on, DO NOT expect to change overnight. I can't tell you the countless times I restarted my clock... "Today I will stop eating junk food!" "Today I will start waking up at 7am!" "On Monday I start X, Y, and Z..." and nothing ever sticks. However, every day, gently trying without guilt, without negativity, can result in actual, positive change over time. I used to be a super sloppy person, and I've slowly developed cleaner habits. I decided I wanted a clean bathroom, so I wipe everything down every 1-2 weeks. It's so easy to just put things back, and wipe it down. So much easier than the guilt and embarrassment tied to cleaning a nasty bathroom every 3-6 months. Gross, I know.

Forgive yourself. It's important. And then try again. Never stop trying, but always forgive the mishaps. Otherwise, the guilt will paralyze progress.

These are just some late night thoughts and ramblings, as I've spent the better half of my day and evening putting off very important school work. My finals start in a day, and I have a very devious fear of not passing my classes looming over my head. Shadow of guilt. Must avoid these feelings by avoiding the problem.... but then the problem doesn't resolve. I have so many exciting things that begin in 3 days.... in 3 days I'm DONE WITH SCHOOL. It's so terribly exciting that I'm terrified I will fuck it up, or worse, already have.

Thinking like that helps no one, however. It's time to just not think about the problems, and to do the work.

This post by Jessica Mullen really feels on point to this topic: ""How to Stop Thinking About Your Problems So They’ll Go Away".